I’m not sure what’s going on here. Then again, maybe I’m perfectly sure.
I want to start working on my big goal for the year, my 150K word novel, The Lotus Eaters. I haven’t started yet. Why? Is it a lack of motivation? A lack of confidence in my ability to do it? Are my priority values just out of whack again? Or is it something more serious?
Sometimes I’m not certain that I’m cut out to be a novelist. I have the talent, but I’m not sure about my motivation. I have a hard time with setting my priorities. I’ve talked about it here before. I have a hard time turning off the Internets and the TV and everything else to get even an hour of writing time in at night. I can’t even get motivated to take advantage of the hour I have on the commuter van everyday. I mean, shoot, Peter Brett wrote his first novel on a smartphone during his commute. I can’t even manage it on a laptop? Girl, please.
I don’t know. I do wonder if I have what it takes to do this. I wrote Mother’s Daughter during May-June 2008 while I was unemployed. I’ve done the last three NaNoWriMos. Other than those periods I haven’t really done any extended writing at all, for whatever reason. I wish I could get it together, but I am getting less and less confident in my ability to put my distractions away and write.
This is a real personal crisis, folks. Whether I ever get anything published or not, one of my goals in life has always been to write a “real” novel–something of serious length, more than just a NaNoWriMo novel. I can handle the short story goal, and I know NaNoWriMo won’t be a problem, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to manage to fulfill my extended length novel ambition. It’s killing me, and I don’t know what to do.
Do I try it, most likely fail, and get even more discouraged if I do fail, or do I bail on the idea and the goal and concentrate on shorts and NaNo? I just don’t know. Comments? I’ve been saying it for three years, but your local writer really does need some support and help here. I need to figure out what I want to do. If I want to put in serious effort and complete The Lotus Eaters before NaNoWriMo hits I need to get started ASAP. I need to make a decision. Help meeeeeee!
